What’s for dinner

Tonight, I guess I felt like cooking! We are having edamame salad (edamame, craisins, sunflower seeds, feta, a little olive oil), cheesy spaghetti squash (plain Greek yogurt, squash, garlic, onions, cheddar), and a casserole I threw together out of stuff I had in my kitchen (chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, tomatoes, sour cream, garlic, cheddar). I was about to make some breaded mushrooms, too, but I’m the only one who will eat them and that’s too much for me!

When I want to cook, we eat very well – healthy and diverse. It’s those other days that we suffer!

Here’s my map. I guess we’re going east.

http://www.wallpaperfunda.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/world-map.gif

Eating around the world

Our new thing is eating meals from around the world. It’s nice because it’s different (I get so bored to easily) and because other countries seem to eat healthier. Much less corn and thick bread.

So last week we had moussaka. This week, Turkey. I have lentils. Now I just need a recipe!

I think it would be super fun to have a map. I may need to work on that.

Learning to let go

I unofficially gave up weighing myself every day for Lent. Unofficially because it wasn’t so much a goal as something I gradually started doing. But I’m proud of it. And it’s healthy for me. 

So now I’m thinking that I can’t remember when I last actually stood on the scale. What will I see when I next look? I’m almost afraid, because what if it’s bad?

But what if it’s good?

And then I think… this is dumb. I’ve been feeling good about myself. I shouldn’t need any number on a scale.

Conquering a demon

I need to tell you a story, but I kind of don’t want to. Because even though it ends well, it started out very, very painfully. 

You may not believe it, but I didn’t know I was fat. I mean, I knew I weighed more than I wanted. I knew I was bigger than other people. But I thought that I carried it well, that I wasn’t all that big, that no one would notice. I believed that I could pull off, “I’m really tired today” when I couldn’t walk from one place to another. I thought I could fool people by saying “I’m eating crap today” as if I didn’t do it every day. I really believed I was above average with weight, but not frighteningly so. 

And then we went to Busch Gardens. I’ve been going there my whole life. I’ve ridden roller coasters as long as I can remember. And so it never occurred to me that there’d be anything wrong with standing in line for Apollo’s Chariot. But years ago – maybe… 6 or more – I got into the seat and they couldn’t snap me in. Apollo’s has this evil lap thing – no real harness. And it’s designed for smaller people. They (now) even have a chair outside of the line so that “larger guests” can make sure they fit before getting on. I could rant about that, but it’s not the point. 

The point is that I waited in line, suspecting nothing. I sat down in the seat. Everyone loaded. And then they couldn’t latch the restraint. And asked me to get off. 

I didn’t know I was that fat. 

And it was SO, SO traumatizing. 

I quit the park. I was miserable. I stopped riding all kinds of rides. I was depressed. It was awful. In fact, though my friends could tell you my life tends to be an open book, I told very, very few people about it. 

But I tell you this depressing story in order for you to appreciate (or maybe in order for ME to appreciate) what happened yesterday. I waited in line for an hour and sat, somewhat nervously, back in that seat. And when they released the latches, I pulled it down over me. And it stayed. And I rode the roller coaster. 

I’m a size 12 now, so there wasn’t actually any doubt that I’d be able to, but the whole hour in line, I was still nervous. I looked around at the people in line, trying to gauge where I fell in comparison. Was I bigger or smaller than the woman in front of me? (I stared at her for 30 minutes, but still have no idea.) That girl over there; I’m surely smaller than her. Will they all be able to ride? Is anyone here going to be kicked off? Does anyone not know? (And would anyone actually sit in the seat at the front of the line with a large, bold sign over it that says, “For our larger guests”?)*

In the end, of course, I was fine. I had room to spare (and probably pulled the thing a little too tight in my panic. The ride was amazing. It’s been so long since I’ve ridden a roller coaster. The hills! Floating up in your seat! Screaming at the top of your lungs! I can’t wait to do it again. 

And, even though it’s a tough memory to relive, I’m really proud of myself. I can ride coasters again. I can ride anything in that damn park (some toddler rides excluded). And no one blinked when buckling me in.

 

*I just checked their site looking for the exact wording, and apparently they will ask you to try out the seat if they think you won’t fit. I would have to leave the park right then. 

 

ONE Pound! ONE!

I have one more pound to lose before I’ve lost ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! ONE!

How much!

I am SO affected by weather. It’s a little crazy. Today, tomorrow, and Saturday are all supposed to be sunny and 60. And I’m in a great mood!

Of course, some of this also has to do with the fact that I’m not throwing up or feeling dizzy (like I was last night) or sick, or anything right now. AND I was able to take out some of my frustration on the kids who have created it (I gave out grade sheets today – a teacher’s revenge!). So that all helps. 

But I’m just so glad it’s sunny. I will definitely have to make Mr. Byrd go on a walk with me today!

The one good thing about being sick

I lost another pound yesterday eating only a few crackers, a yogurt, and a little chicken soup. So… that’s good!

I wonder if…

There are things about having been so overweight that are very bad and scary. I’ve probably done some internal damage I can’t undo. I definitely have lumps and bumps and skin that won’t ever be the same, even after surgeries. And there’s always the chance that I’ll revert to my old habits and size.  It’s a fight forever. Maybe it’s a little like cancer that way. It’s never really gone.

BUT

I wonder if I’d never been so overweight, if I had never had bypass, if I’d never lost all that weight, how I’d feel about my size and shape. 

There are frequently threads on the OH board about the aha moment when someone says you’re thin or compares you to someone you didn’t realize you were the same size as. And it makes me wonder. I mean, if you’d always been 150 pounds and someone called you small, would you just shrug?

So, is it, in some ways, better to have this as a new thing? And will I ever forget the days I was really big? Will being a normal size ever just feel normal?

 

 

Avocado Recipe

From OH today

1 avocado, sliced in half and pitted.

1/4 cup shredded cheddar (I used light cheddar and mozza)

shake of salt

1 tsp chopped chipotle (you know, the canned ones in adobo sauce; freeze the rest, it chops easily while frozen)

juice of 1/2 lime (approx)

****Mix the cheese, chipotle, salt and lime juice together.  Stuff the avocado with this, heaping it on each half.

Broil on a sheet about 5 minutes; I moved mine down part way through and left it in a minute or so longer as my avocado was a little underipe.  Remove, spritz with a little more lime juice, salt and pepper if desired.  Enjoy!!!