downtime is really, really bad for me

ANOTHER snowday. After sleeping in until after 11, all I want to do is eat. I’m not even hungry. I’m bored. 

And I’m grouchy because I’m bored and because I didn’t lose any weight. So all I want to do is eat – specifically sanwiches and tortilla chips. 

And I’m going to give in to it, because I’m bored and grouchy. Unless I find something to do soon. 

What should I do???!


On the warpath

Today, I am LIVID. How exciting is that?

I’ll (maybe) come back and tell you all about it soon. For now, I’m going to teach really, really well. 

Short Tempered

I am extremely short tempered today! It started yesterday at lunch. It was like a switch flipped and all the sudden I was angry. It’s frustrating. I went ahead and took my pill this morning, even though I’ve been enjoying the lack of side effects this weekend. Hopefully that will mellow me out. 

I do have new pens today. And I should get a present from L sometime really soon. And there’s the gym today, and J is coming over tomorrow. I should have her bring her baby, so our babies can play. Teacup is walking everywhere and likes other babies. 

Okay, since my blog is primarily about my stomach, here’s what I’m eating today:

B: Hot chocolate

S: Yogurt with granola

L: BBQ chicken and spaghetti squash (leftover from Ruby Tuesday’s the other night)

S: Peas and hummus

D:?? Whatever my mother-in-law makes OR leftover salad from Friday’s yesterday. It’s not that yummy, but it’s food. 


Grr. For now, I’m off. I have a REALLY annoying child I need to handle. 

I am NOT having a good day

My emotions are driving me nuts. I’m so down and I don’t know why. Stress is eating me alive. I’m hungry, but I just had yogurt. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to work. I just want to sit on my couch and sleep and eat and play games. I need a good day. I need something wonderful to happen. 

I need a positive attitude, and it’s just not happening!

I hate the f-ing scale!

I just need to whine, because today I stepped on the scale and was back to 182/183. I was down at 180 a few days ago. I KNOW that it’s no big deal. I KNOW that it’s not the end of the world. I KNOW that I’ve lost 93 (or 92 or 91) pounds in 6 months. I KNOW that this is fine. 

But it affects my entire fucking day. See? It’s 7:30 and I’m already using the f-word.

I’m just tired. Not sleepy, but tired of counting calories and protein and feeling guilty when I miss the gym or have a handful of granola or a banana. I ate a banana. That’s where my guilt is coming from. 


Okay, my room is filled with kids. They all want to know what I’m writing, so I guess it’s time to stop. 


I may never look thin

I’ve lost 71 pounds! How do I still look so heavy in pictures? I’m beginning to worry that I’ll always look bad on camera. Yes, I’m having a pity party!

Damn Scale

Why won’t you move? I’ve been at 226 for 6 days now! I’ve done all the right things. Move, damn you!

Yesterday’s gym messed me up

Yesterday’s water aerobics class was hard. I counted every second. It wasn’t so much that I was sore or tired; it’s just that I didn’t wanna. 

And so now I’m in a bad mood again. I’m considering skipping today (which would be stupid, but I WANT a TREAT). I’m considering eating all the carbs, dressing in sweat pants, not helping out at home, not teaching anymore today. 


But all of that is silly! I have things to do! I have running to start this afternoon. I have clothes to fit into. I have yogurt to eat so I stop feeling hungry and start getting work done. 

And somewhere in here, I have a jacket – because my classroom is freaking freezing!

Pep talks from OH

I posted:

I Ate Too Much Yesterday and Now I Feel Like Dirt

Yes, this is silly, but I’ve been in a funk all morning. Yesterday, I ate too many calories (about 900 instead of the 600-700 I shoot for). I managed all of my protein, but I just feel so guilty. It was the first day I let myself eat because I wanted to eat, not because it was time to eat. I felt hungry (all in my head, I’m sure). I wanted junk and I ate those foods that were the junkiest I was allowed. 

I did go to the gym and burn off every excess calorie, but I still feel awful. I’m just so disappointed, and I think scared. Because if I can let myself do that 2 months out, what will happen in a year when I’m allowed to have some junk food? And how will I ever keep going for the rest of my life when I can’t even be good now – when I’m not even hungry!

To top it all off, the scale didn’t move again this morning. I’m 2 pounds from 50 pounds lost and have been for days. I know that’s still good and that stalls happen, but I can’t help feeling that I may not be trying hard enough.

I think I just need some encouragement and cheering up. I hate feeling like this!


Response #1: 

Ok, I am a firm believer in letting go of the “good” “bad” “guilt” aspects of eating. You ate food. That doesn’t make you a bad person or a moral failure. I say again: Food is not good. Or bad. And you are neither good or bad by eating it.

I really believe you need to get past that. You are probably right and battled head hunger. You are getting to the point where you can eat more and different things and it’s hard. Forgive yourself. And then get it that you will never have to forgive yourself again because you didn’t do anything wrong. 

Just read what you wrote, “Yesterday, I ate too many calories (about 900 instead of the 600-700 I shoot for).” OMG you ate 900 calories!!!   I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be hurtful. Trying to point out some humor here. You won’t be able to sustain you loss on 600-700 calories a day for much longer probably. Very often, especially with those who work out, your body will really start trying  to hold on to the fat because that’s what it does when you aren’t getting the required calories and expending too much energy.

You’re going to be ok. You deserve this. Take this tool, use it and be happy. It’s work but I think it is worth it in the end.




Response #2:

You know I’m not real good at cheering folks up, sorry ’bout that.  But I can offer you some realistic encouragement (well my kind of encouragement is more about a reality check, then rainbows and butterflies, okay?). 

My first suggestion is to accept that this is a journey for life, not for the moment and not a rush to a goal.  You’ve undertaken a transformation to a better you, and it’s a learning process, a long-ass journey to forever, right?  So give up (or work really diligently at giving up) the guilt.  It serves no earthly purpose except to make you feel like dirt, right?  So stop that!  Consider yesterday a learning touchpoint.  So you ate 300 more calories than you were allotted, but you burned them off, why does that make you feel guilty?  Rather I would think you would feel empowered that you acknolwedged your stumble and righted the “ship” and were actually very successful in balancing the whole kit’n’kaboodle.  Kudos!

Now as for the scale, drop that issue like a hot potato, please!  You know very well that the scale is going to do what the scale is going to do regardless of what you want it or think it should do!  The number the scale reports well it’s just a snapshot of a moment in time (could be that you haven’t had a good bowel movement in a day or two, or maybe you ingested a bit more sodium than normal, or you looked at a food ad in a magazine and through the power of suggestion your body decided to hang on to a few pounds).  You see where I’m going, right?  Do what you do (and what you’ve done so well at for two months now) and the scale will eventually do what it does.  No amount of frustration on your part is going to get that number lower, just perseverance and dogged determination, plus a bit of an attitude adjustment will help you smile a bit more and not be so frustrated. ~grin~

As for projecting what your actions may be at a year out, don’t go there.  Work really hard at developing good skills and good habits now and at one year out, you can rely on those habits you’ve mastered to see you through the challenges.  You’ll have slips and spills and days when you’ll have to pull your head out of your ass, but that’s ALL part of the journey — and it appears to me that you are making this journey very well so far.  Even writing this post is acknolwedging that it’s not all happiness and sunshine.  We all are dealing with our own weight histories and pratfalls and pitfalls and bad and annoying habits.  Know that you are doing what should be and are making this journey yours and learning so much along the way. 

Kudos (again!)




I cried a little reading them in class (no one noticed, thankfully!) Then I took a deep breath and felt better. I know they’re right, but it’s hard to make all these changes and not feel a little out of control.

In a funk

I’m having a bad day. It’s 8:26am and I’m having a bad day. It started when I got dressed. No, I guess really it started when I weighed myself. And then took my pants off and weighed myself again. I didn’t lose ANYTHING. WTF?? I know sometimes you stall, but I feel like I JUST finished with a stall. I need to lose again! I’m not even losing a pound a day. Or 1/2 a pound. I want to lose 25-30 pounds a month! Not this 2 pounds in 2 weeks crap!

So, I know that’s unreasonable, but I’m disappointed and angry.

And then it continued. See, I was already feeling bad about yesterday because I ate so much. I had almost 900 calories! I got all of my protein in for the first time in a while, but at what cost? Now, I know that this won’t kill me, but I just ate and ate and wanted to eat and eat some more. It was like it used to be. I don’t know if it was stress, or the weather, or just enjoying the taste of food too much, but it was bad.

And then today, I made breakfast (egg and cheese) and lunch (mushroom burger) and a shake. And by the time I put it all in, I’m only 67 calories away from 600! I guess that means this afternoon and evening I can only have 67 calories before I start feeling guilty.

I’m supposed to be feeling great today. It’s been 2 months. I’ve lost 48 pounds. I did water aerobics last night and didn’t come close to dying. I should be feeling great.

Instead, I feel like a failure.

And it’s affecting everything. I’ve been grouchy and strict with kids – not that they don’t need it, but still. I messed up on some accounting stuff at school (forgot to turn in some money) and it nearly made me cry. I WISH I could go home “sick” today. I’d go to the gym. I’d walk Toby everywhere. I’d blog and grade essays and watch TV and embroider. And it would be wonderful.

Maybe that’s what I need – a mental health day. A weekend. A sick day – something.

Next entry: happy things to put me in a better mood. Also, I may find an MP3 player I want to order. Also, I may listen to music during planning – or organize the filing cabinet.

Or I may wallow. Tough to say!

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