Conquering a demon

I need to tell you a story, but I kind of don’t want to. Because even though it ends well, it started out very, very painfully. 

You may not believe it, but I didn’t know I was fat. I mean, I knew I weighed more than I wanted. I knew I was bigger than other people. But I thought that I carried it well, that I wasn’t all that big, that no one would notice. I believed that I could pull off, “I’m really tired today” when I couldn’t walk from one place to another. I thought I could fool people by saying “I’m eating crap today” as if I didn’t do it every day. I really believed I was above average with weight, but not frighteningly so. 

And then we went to Busch Gardens. I’ve been going there my whole life. I’ve ridden roller coasters as long as I can remember. And so it never occurred to me that there’d be anything wrong with standing in line for Apollo’s Chariot. But years ago – maybe… 6 or more – I got into the seat and they couldn’t snap me in. Apollo’s has this evil lap thing – no real harness. And it’s designed for smaller people. They (now) even have a chair outside of the line so that “larger guests” can make sure they fit before getting on. I could rant about that, but it’s not the point. 

The point is that I waited in line, suspecting nothing. I sat down in the seat. Everyone loaded. And then they couldn’t latch the restraint. And asked me to get off. 

I didn’t know I was that fat. 

And it was SO, SO traumatizing. 

I quit the park. I was miserable. I stopped riding all kinds of rides. I was depressed. It was awful. In fact, though my friends could tell you my life tends to be an open book, I told very, very few people about it. 

But I tell you this depressing story in order for you to appreciate (or maybe in order for ME to appreciate) what happened yesterday. I waited in line for an hour and sat, somewhat nervously, back in that seat. And when they released the latches, I pulled it down over me. And it stayed. And I rode the roller coaster. 

I’m a size 12 now, so there wasn’t actually any doubt that I’d be able to, but the whole hour in line, I was still nervous. I looked around at the people in line, trying to gauge where I fell in comparison. Was I bigger or smaller than the woman in front of me? (I stared at her for 30 minutes, but still have no idea.) That girl over there; I’m surely smaller than her. Will they all be able to ride? Is anyone here going to be kicked off? Does anyone not know? (And would anyone actually sit in the seat at the front of the line with a large, bold sign over it that says, “For our larger guests”?)*

In the end, of course, I was fine. I had room to spare (and probably pulled the thing a little too tight in my panic. The ride was amazing. It’s been so long since I’ve ridden a roller coaster. The hills! Floating up in your seat! Screaming at the top of your lungs! I can’t wait to do it again. 

And, even though it’s a tough memory to relive, I’m really proud of myself. I can ride coasters again. I can ride anything in that damn park (some toddler rides excluded). And no one blinked when buckling me in.

 

*I just checked their site looking for the exact wording, and apparently they will ask you to try out the seat if they think you won’t fit. I would have to leave the park right then. 

 

ONE Pound! ONE!

I have one more pound to lose before I’ve lost ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! ONE!

How much!

I am SO affected by weather. It’s a little crazy. Today, tomorrow, and Saturday are all supposed to be sunny and 60. And I’m in a great mood!

Of course, some of this also has to do with the fact that I’m not throwing up or feeling dizzy (like I was last night) or sick, or anything right now. AND I was able to take out some of my frustration on the kids who have created it (I gave out grade sheets today – a teacher’s revenge!). So that all helps. 

But I’m just so glad it’s sunny. I will definitely have to make Mr. Byrd go on a walk with me today!

The one good thing about being sick

I lost another pound yesterday eating only a few crackers, a yogurt, and a little chicken soup. So… that’s good!

I wonder if…

There are things about having been so overweight that are very bad and scary. I’ve probably done some internal damage I can’t undo. I definitely have lumps and bumps and skin that won’t ever be the same, even after surgeries. And there’s always the chance that I’ll revert to my old habits and size.  It’s a fight forever. Maybe it’s a little like cancer that way. It’s never really gone.

BUT

I wonder if I’d never been so overweight, if I had never had bypass, if I’d never lost all that weight, how I’d feel about my size and shape. 

There are frequently threads on the OH board about the aha moment when someone says you’re thin or compares you to someone you didn’t realize you were the same size as. And it makes me wonder. I mean, if you’d always been 150 pounds and someone called you small, would you just shrug?

So, is it, in some ways, better to have this as a new thing? And will I ever forget the days I was really big? Will being a normal size ever just feel normal?

 

 

Avocado Recipe

From OH today

1 avocado, sliced in half and pitted.

1/4 cup shredded cheddar (I used light cheddar and mozza)

shake of salt

1 tsp chopped chipotle (you know, the canned ones in adobo sauce; freeze the rest, it chops easily while frozen)

juice of 1/2 lime (approx)

****Mix the cheese, chipotle, salt and lime juice together.  Stuff the avocado with this, heaping it on each half.

Broil on a sheet about 5 minutes; I moved mine down part way through and left it in a minute or so longer as my avocado was a little underipe.  Remove, spritz with a little more lime juice, salt and pepper if desired.  Enjoy!!!

I have lost…

293 medium potatoes

3.88 Teacups

1.15 15-year-old Teaspoons

776 eggs

nearly 5 car tires 

Rachael Leigh Cook

19.4 5lb bags of sugar

776 hotdogs

138.5 National Geographics

339 smart phones

 

SO BUSY – and yet…

So, I’ve been super busy, which is good, because I don’t seem to do well when there’s downtime. Still, I’m ready for Spring Break and some planned downtime. Snowdays? Not so much. 

Anyway, the biggest update is that I went to a therapist last week. I don’t feel like it went very well. I didn’t care for her. We didn’t click. I found her hard to understand. And even though she was nice, I just didn’t feel like I could really tell her things. I’ll probably give her another chance just because I’m too chicken to call and cancel. Then again… I may not. 

She harped on me being depressed the whole time I was there. I was depressed. I was hormonal and frustrated, sad about my best friend moving, upset that I’d stalled… again. But I wasn’t there for that. That really isn’t so much of an issue. What I need it motivation to stay on track. That was something I got the feeling she didn’t know how to offer. Her suggestions weren’t good (and there weren’t really many of them) Mostly she said, “you need to figure out how to be motivated.” No kidding! Help me with that! That’s why you were recommended!

Anyway, thinking about that day and about having to go back makes me sick. I really think I need to find another place to go. Or I need to just not go at all. In some ways, I feel worse now than I did before I made the appointments. 

I am handling the depression issue better though. I have some things to look forward to that aren’t weight related. For one, I have a party this weekend. The weather has finally started warming up. I have some summer plans – the park, the pool, leaning up the yard. Probably a theme park or two now that TeaCup is a little older and I’m thin enough to ride a few things. 

And yes, I’m still absolutely down and out depressed that my friend is moving. I won’t get to see her. But I’ll probably survive. And maybe she won’t stay away that long. Hopefully. 

downtime is really, really bad for me

ANOTHER snowday. After sleeping in until after 11, all I want to do is eat. I’m not even hungry. I’m bored. 

And I’m grouchy because I’m bored and because I didn’t lose any weight. So all I want to do is eat – specifically sanwiches and tortilla chips. 

And I’m going to give in to it, because I’m bored and grouchy. Unless I find something to do soon. 

What should I do???!

 

Things I didn’t know 6 months ago

  1. It’s easier to shave your armpits… when you can see your armpits. 
  2. Same with legs
  3. Now that I can sit with my legs crossed, it’s the only comfortable way. 
  4. I have ribs, hips, knees, and knuckles. 
  5. You don’t lose weight all over – it happens first here, then there. 
  6. I have veins on the tops of my feet. 
  7. Sizes on smaller clothing varies a lot more than on larger clothing. I was a 24W consistently for years. But now, in a single trying-on session, I can wear a too-big 12 and a too small 16. 
  8. Tailbones are, quite literally, a pain in the ass. 
  9. There are so many foods I have never tried, simply because they don’t serve them at fast food places or fry them. 
  10. Pooping or not pooping can make quite a difference in your weight. 

 

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