Learning to let go

I unofficially gave up weighing myself every day for Lent. Unofficially because it wasn’t so much a goal as something I gradually started doing. But I’m proud of it. And it’s healthy for me. 

So now I’m thinking that I can’t remember when I last actually stood on the scale. What will I see when I next look? I’m almost afraid, because what if it’s bad?

But what if it’s good?

And then I think… this is dumb. I’ve been feeling good about myself. I shouldn’t need any number on a scale.

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I am NOT having a good day

My emotions are driving me nuts. I’m so down and I don’t know why. Stress is eating me alive. I’m hungry, but I just had yogurt. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to work. I just want to sit on my couch and sleep and eat and play games. I need a good day. I need something wonderful to happen. 

I need a positive attitude, and it’s just not happening!

I hate the f-ing scale!

I just need to whine, because today I stepped on the scale and was back to 182/183. I was down at 180 a few days ago. I KNOW that it’s no big deal. I KNOW that it’s not the end of the world. I KNOW that I’ve lost 93 (or 92 or 91) pounds in 6 months. I KNOW that this is fine. 

But it affects my entire fucking day. See? It’s 7:30 and I’m already using the f-word.

I’m just tired. Not sleepy, but tired of counting calories and protein and feeling guilty when I miss the gym or have a handful of granola or a banana. I ate a banana. That’s where my guilt is coming from. 

ARGH!!!!

Okay, my room is filled with kids. They all want to know what I’m writing, so I guess it’s time to stop. 

 

“You’re really skinny!”

That’s what one of my kids said today. TO ME! He said that to ME! Holy shit!

I’m having a pretty good day. I’ve been working for a while now on figuring out who I am. It’s a lot of work! I’m working on what my style is as I buy new clothes. Now there are options, so what kinds of clothes do I like? This isn’t really something I’ve had to think much about before. 

I’m also working on what kinds of music I like. On New Year’s Eve, I was asked what my guilty pleasure song was. I didn’t have an answer, and not because I was embarrassed, but because I really didn’t know. So I’ve been working on that. 

I’m also working on becoming more… grown up, I guess. I need to be able to make phone calls to strangers (the receptionist at the doctor’s office, the Best Buy guy, a realtor) without feeling ill. I need to be able to insist certain things get done a certain way. I need to be more assertive and brave. To that end, I’m going to a support group meeting Tuesday. I’m canceling an appointment with the sleep specialist and being done with that stage of my life. I’m shooting a wedding in a couple weeks, I’m going to a toy party this Saturday. 

I’m also working on positive body image – which I guess is kind of what this whole journey is about. I have 30 pounds to lose to reach my 150 goal. 150 is technically still too overweight. I’ll still have a belly. I’ll still “need” to lose more. But that’s my main goal. And according to my weight tracker, I should make that goal in early May. 

Which is perfect, because I have already announced and decided that I will be wearing a bikini at the lake this year. It won’t be as pretty as many of the bikini bodies at the lake, but it’ll be a real body. It’ll be what people look like when they’re normal. And it’ll be so stellar for me that I’ll be thrilled, if really naked-feeling. 

I do think I’ll do some ab work before then, though. I could at least tighten things up a little! 🙂

My plan

I’m a long-time member of a forum that’s not about weight loss. I did tell them about my surgery, because I wanted to find out about others’ experiences, but I haven’t mentioned it yet. 

But in 10 more pounds, I’m posting pictures before and after. I have a dress I took a picture in around my birthday and I hope it looks better on me now!

My fear is that I barely look different, even 40 or 50 pounds down. I mean I can see some difference, but I really have to look. It’s not like I’m suddenly “normal” sized. 

I know they’ll all say nice things, because they’re great people. And I’m really excited to post it because 50 pounds is an awesome milestone! 

I just hope I look really different when I take that picture!

Let me tell you how much I hate(d) exercise

I NEVER would have gone to the gym 2 months ago. I would look for a way out of taking a walk, going somewhere hilly, even going back upstairs for something. I just always felt like it was so much effort to move. And no fun. 

So I can’t believe I ENJOY the gym now. What?? I seriously feel a little like this is a dream I’m having – where I can actually walk a couple miles and not hate life. Where I intentionally do crunches and take on classes I can only barely keep up with (classes that make me sweat, even though I’m in the water). 

I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting better sleep. Or if it’s because I’m taking vitamins and protein and getting close to all the nutrients I need. Or if it’s because my sugar is on track as is my blood pressure. Or if it’s because I’m 35 pounds lighter. I imagine it’s all of the above. 

But I actually like the gym. I never would have believed it a month ago. I mean, really. My plan was to walk some and hope that some day I was light enough that it wouldn’t kill me to walk. I was hoping to lose weight pretty much through diet alone. 

Huh.

Okay, Yup

I’m full. Not quite uncomfortably so, but definitely not wanting to eat more full. Think I’ll sip some water and my protein shake.

Eating lunch at work

I had leftovers today for lunch. More beans and various toppings. Very yummy. And I think I’m actually full. Of course, it’s really hard to get used to not drinking while you eat. I’m so thirsty! But I can drink in… 20 minutes. 

Anyway, this week, eating at work is no big deal. I have an hour or more to eat; it takes me about 1/2 that. But when the kids get back, it’ll be a challenge! We get 22 minute lunches. But that includes getting the kids down to the cafeteria and settled, dealing with any kid-issues, and getting them to clean up and line up to go back. So I actually get about 10 minutes to actually eat. Some days, maybe 15. I guess my actual eating time will have to be in class. Fun!

No fair!

A bunch of people on my board (who had surgery AFTER me) are allowed to eat! And not just purees either! I just want purees! No fair!

Keep your fingers crossed my dietitian lets me eat after tomorrow! 

Still hungry, but okay at the moment

I had some golden mushroom soup this afternoon. I decided it was foul, so I tried some beef broth. It was better, but how much of that can anyone actually eat? 

Anyway, with 2 things made and tried and failed, I feel like eating for today is over. I’ve been drinking a lot,, and I had some calcium (2 more tabs and I’ll actually have everything I need for today!), so I’m not hungry. It’s actually easier this evening. 

Also, we took a talk – a tiny bit over a mile. Teacup enjoyed it and went down better. I walked off some frustration. I burned 100 calories (well, 95) I feel better. Tomorrow I’ll have a different soup. 

I also did a bunch of measurements and recorded them. There will probably come a time when I have my book near enough my computer to transfer them here, but for now, let’s just say it was all way higher than I’d like to admit. 

Anyway, there’s a positive (ish) post. Tomorrow is Sunday – perhaps a long day, but I hope to find something to do). Then Monday I go back to work. Monday afternoon is my PCP appointment – a followup on blood sugar. Tuesday I see the surgeon and dietitian. I really, really, really hope she tells me I can eat purees. I NEED some food! So that’s what I’m holding out for.

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